Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.