waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
<- sleeps well with others
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”