@Megatronic13

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

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@Book_Krazy

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

@gegtik

Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@ybbaaabby

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

@Aikiwomannc

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

@amechamecha

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.