“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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“I’m not a fan.”
Area man gains z axis, becomes volume man, won’t stop yelling
If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.