Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
You Might Also Like
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time