Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever