Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
You Might Also Like
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Ok but actually
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.