waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without


Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes


Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.


“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”


“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”


Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca


judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow