waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work