@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

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@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@msdanifernandez

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

@UncleDuke1969

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

@tnylgn

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca

@EJGomez

judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow