@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

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@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@SICKOFWOLVES

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@TheHyyyype

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@Cheeseboy22

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

@Iwriteforcats

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.