She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.