WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
want me to check your oil?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes