@TheToddWilliams

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

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@desusnice

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

@KeetPotato

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

@just1fool

Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@mattZillaaaa

*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family

Where’s my phone?

@Beerhaze

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.