WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO


[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?


[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?


GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?


*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player


i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down


“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist


we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:


Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.