waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.