WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.