@Brampersandon_

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

You Might Also Like

@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@onelongbender

My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.