WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.