All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.