@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

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@JordanFoisy

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

@OctopusCaveman

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

@mack44_d

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

@mochanya

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@JimmerThatisAll

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.