Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.


Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are


Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’


I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?


airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass


Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.


Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.


“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.