Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
🛁
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!