waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
mom gave me mine for free
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke