WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

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[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.


Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.


The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere


SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second


(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.


Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.


“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”


[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]