[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w “Here’s somethin for ya!” as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”
“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”
[knock at door]
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]