Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.