Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
the icebreaker
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is