@shutupmikeginn: Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn't say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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@natvanlis: Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby. Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
@stephenjmolloy: Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we'd like to move her forward a year. Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.