Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
There is wisdom there.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!