Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.