Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*