@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

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@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@JLazySAngus

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

@hero_ofthenight

I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.

@smithsara79

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

@BitterOldPunk

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

@ferranticathy

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*