WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Feels
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
me when the borders lift
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying