@pro_worrier_
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
@FeelingEuphoric
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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@pro_worrier_
@weirdralph
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
@BrainFumbles
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
@MNateShyamalan
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
@PhilJamesson
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
@NewDadNotes
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
@fightforfood
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
@Smooheed
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
@ella__fraser
You give great word of mouth