Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@ilovecuredmeats

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

@Julie_Cooker

Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.

@eeethanford

But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.

@HelloCullen

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

@msdanifernandez

No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.

@juanadog

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Dentist: open wide

Me: 🙂

Dentist: not your arms

Me: 🙁

@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”