Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*comes back with tool bag*
Dentist: open wide
Dentist: not your arms
Who said losing weight was difficult?
“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”