@FeelingEuphoric

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

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@causticbob

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@reallifemommy3

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

@lilgapeach30

Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.

@NicestHippo

Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.

@HandyJack420

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks