WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate


I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.


be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character


If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again


Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.


Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess


i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks


After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.


Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks