WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.


You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.


•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?


Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.


But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.


I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution


No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.


*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*


Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”