Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry