Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

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Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..


Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.


Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.


If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.


Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead


customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct


People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.


Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.


A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name