@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

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@iGreenGod

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

@eff_yeah_steph

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name