[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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finally found a reasonable question
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy