[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
incredible book dedication
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”