Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.