Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You Might Also Like
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me logging onto twitter
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*