Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.