Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?


According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries


The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.


I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.


[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”


Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*


Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.


Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.


It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.