@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

@AndyAsAdjective

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

@SortaSarcastic

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

@Lil_Booty_Boss

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

@Halbeerz

“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

@StevieKnip

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

@3sunzzz

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*