what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
You Might Also Like
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*