@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@Dawn_M_

I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@UrbanDouchebag

Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@chrislhayes

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.