*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*

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If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL


You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!


In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!


First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.