*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.