@AimeeHelene1

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

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@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@ObscureGent

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

@AmishPornStar1

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@Gupton68

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you