Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you