@AimeeHelene1

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

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If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.

@MCaparco

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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

@Daveastated

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@Jake_Vig

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

@Marlebean

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.