*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Noah
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps