waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Go girl power!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Not recommended for beginners.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.