waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine