[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*me flirting
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%