waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.