Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.