My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
2 years later
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
No, YOUR illiterate.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing