Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK