@chrisdelia

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

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@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@thequeensheart

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

@jake_likes_naps

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

@Megatronic13

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

@VintageKriner

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host