waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.


Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much’s mower?
Me: $50
Him: Wait! That’s the one you borrowed from me!
Me: $20
Him: Its a $500 mower!
Me: ..$100


I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.


FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.


[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….


Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”


“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late