Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much’s mower?
Him: Wait! That’s the one you borrowed from me!
Him: Its a $500 mower!
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So I sent it to Seattle.
Women make no sense some days.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late