waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

You Might Also Like


You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

And also a fork.


Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.



Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”


I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.


My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.


[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it