waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
estão todos miauvindo?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again