@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

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@Lisa_Laughs_

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

@XplodingUnicorn

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@baronvonbike

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it