You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
And also a fork.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.
The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
“there are some things that money can’t buy”
politician: i don’t get it