Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.