Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.


TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better


“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


Probably not the best place to put the authors name..


Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.


You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.