@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

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@MollySneed

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

@rockymomax

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@BroHumor

Probably not the best place to put the authors name..

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.