@LisaMcAlister1

Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”

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@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@SkippyMcGizzard

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

@TheIntComShow

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.