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@LisaMcAlister1: Waitress: "Hi, my nam-"
Me: "Vodka martini, please."
@noog: "911 what's ur emergency"
This guy's not breathing
"Did u send him ur vibes?"
Yes I been sending em
"I'm sending some too"
Okay he good now
@funflaps: dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn't mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they've stolen the declaration of independence
@Playing_Dad: [First date]
Date: I'm looking for a guy who's above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I've eaten 17 spiders this year
@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [waits until purge night to illegally download music]