Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”

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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.


WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”


Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together


The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave


How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries


JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor


If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?


Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.