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@LisaMcAlister1: Waitress: "Hi, my nam-"
Me: "Vodka martini, please."
@NYC_Blonde: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
@Dawn_M_: If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
@pdxjohnny99: I don't sign anything if they don't give me time to pretend to read it first.
@JimmerThatisAll: I've been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I'll be damned if I'm going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
@Jacob_Swift16: Ate a bag of Sun chips and now I need 300 stitches in my mouth