Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.