My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
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As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
God I hate kids.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*