everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
You Might Also Like
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Fixed this for Shakespeare
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face