Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.