Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.