Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I gave up going to work for lent.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.