@NurseSeymour

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

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@HighOnDrunk

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@jtrulez

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@NoTheOtherJohn

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”

@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast