I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast