@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

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@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@brandonIee

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

@MelvinofYork

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@katy_fit

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair