@iwearaonesie *smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
@WhaJoTalkinBout waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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@iwearaonesie 
@Dani_Feld I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
@brandonIee Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
@MelvinofYork Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
@TuSoonShakur Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
@IamJackBoot Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
@katy_fit Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
@JB4Realz [creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
@BadaBinge My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
@bridger_w Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair