*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair