@ChipKellysBalls
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
@WhaJoTalkinBout
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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@ChipKellysBalls
@TheTweetOfGod
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
@michaeljhudson
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
@KentWGraham
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
@SocialustGal13
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.
@bartandsoul
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
@MarkBuckawicki
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
@jonnysun
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
@NetHistorian
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
@herprettybones
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!