House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!