@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

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@ChipKellysBalls

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.

@KentWGraham

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

@SocialustGal13

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.

@bartandsoul

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

@jonnysun

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

@NetHistorian

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.