waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”