@OctopusCavemann

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

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@AnExocticBeach

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

@causticbob

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

@LlamaInaTux

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@SondraDeeMe

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@kimtopher22

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.