Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

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Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic


I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”


Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut


[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing


This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.


3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”


Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.


If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.