Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please

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[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?


Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again


Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim


What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.


Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”


You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.